Teeth: A Lifetime of Drama

Teeth are the drama queens of the human body. They make a grand entrance, fall out for attention, demand expensive accessories, and require non-stop maintenance.

My youngest recently got braces. Hallelujah! The last of five. Soon I’ll have to give up my VIP parking at the orthodontist for the next sucker with five kids.

I have so many tooth-related stories, I could write a memoir just about teeth.

When my second-born was 4 months old, he started to scream. Like, all day and all night. A month later, I was ready to chuck him out the window.

For the first four months of his life, he was such a pleasant, non-fussy baby. What had taken hold of him to make him scream nonstop? Was it acid reflux like my daughter had? Was he having a growth spurt and starving? He was 18 pounds, so that didn’t seem likely.

I honestly didn’t know what to do. The doctor didn’t have any answers for me either.

And then one day, I noticed bumps on his gums. 

Yup, he was teething. But he didn’t just have one tooth coming in. Oh, no. That would be too simple. Eight teeth were erupting. EIGHT!

My poor baby! No wonder he was screaming nonstop. Then I felt bad for wanting to chuck him out the window. (For the record, I didn’t actually chuck him out the window—just to be clear for any CPS agents reading this.)

I started to wonder why babies can’t just be born with teeth. To make it even easier, why can’t they just be born with adult teeth?

Imagine: you give birth to your sweet little newborn. You snuggle up with your bundle of joy, and instead of a toothless coo, you get a big ol’ toothy grin of a camel. 

Am I the only one that thinks that’s hilarious? Yes? Okay, moving on.

Anyway, teething is pretty much the worst. Those poor babies have bone pushing through their gums. So painful! And it doesn’t even end when they’re babies.

There are 2-year molars, 6-year molars, 12-year molars, wisdom teeth. Teething never freaking ends!

And then taking care of those darn pearly whites is a constant battle. You have to brush them. Twice a day! Do you know how hard it is to make sure five kids have brushed and flossed? It’s like running a dental boot camp. I have fuzzy memories of pinning children to the ground while trying to brush a little flailing head.

And then there are the dentist appointments, the cavities, the fillings, the orthodontist appointments, phase 1 and phase 2, because of course, teeth have to grow in with weird crossbites and shark teeth and who knows what else. And then wisdom teeth that decide to erupt at such odd times.

I spend more time at appointments for teeth than I do at the pool in the summer. (And I like the pool!)

I’m telling you—if God ever decides to revise the human body, he should really consider my idea about babies being born with teeth.

And don’t even get me started on the tooth fairy.